wow. what an interesting record of my life… I just went through and made a lot of my old tumblr private- but i left a few things. there wasn’t anything that was really a true secret- that hadn’t been pretty out in the open. since starting my non-profit, i haven’t really been a private person. but i have also learned that not all audiences are created equally. sometimes the people you need most to hear you, have the least capability. funny enough, that’s something that is bugging me a lot this month.
but i enjoyed the trip down memory lane. in typical bonnie fashion, i found it bittersweet. i was dealing with a LOT a year and a half ago when i was a frequent tumblr. the sweet is that i dont think my darkest blog at the moment would be as heart-achy as any of the ones from 2010. So…that’s sweet. On the bitter end, a lot of the things I was bitter about are no different- it’s really just the way I handle things. That sounds sweet too. Maybe it’s sweet-sweet and not bittersweet. But the idealist in me, who has managed to stay on that life support machine through ALL that has happened still says, wtf, arent i supposed to read my blog from 2 years ago and say, “wow, im glad I dont have to deal with x, y and z” anymore?
life is so strange.
thank you! you’re kind of great. lol. and by kind of, i mean a lot.
right now is hard. I know I’m making a difference, and that’s something I believe I need to do- something I believe that I’ve been…called to do, so to speak. and, on a really - almost arrogant level, something I feel that no one can do the way I am doing.
I’m trying not to be a hypocrite- I’m creating something for people to feel less alone and allowing myself to feel moreso than before- but when i let myself see it all is real, it’s just too hard.at least if i stay a little bit detached, i know how to survive.
someday i want to live without being detached at all. and i hope that time is soon. but it hasn’t happened yet. even though i have moments where i can taste it. forget the fact that these moments always leave me disappointed and hungry after the fact.
right now, i keep on trying to change the world. when i heard of the 3 suicides from survivors the other week, i really kind of lost it. i dont know if shared hell is any better than the personal hell we put ourselves in because it’s all we know. but how can you ask anyone to feel the heat of a prison you spent so long creating.
Please help. Trying to start a revolution that no one else is willing to. Just three days left to vote- please reblog and send to any activists you know.
Every step in my life that is proactive right now makes me want to vomit. Literally. I guess it’s a good way of knowing that I’m in the right direction?
i was driving to the show and obsessing over how my song is just not perfect- not exactly where i want it to be. it’s good vocally, and i feel connected too…but there is something i havent gotten right. And i realized what i tell myself when i do drama- like…almost all the time. and almost all the time, i have a disconnect with drama. it gets to a really intense place and i tell myself, “calm down” if not “Shut down” which, ding-ding-ding, you guessed it is exactly what i do in real life if i suspect things are going to get intense. oops. funny how life bleeds into theatre and vice versa. i teared up, even with my song not where i want it, but i feel kinda misdirected with blocking… but tomorrow will be better. but first- 58 miles to caroling where i get to sing for 4 hours, 83 miles to Santa Clarita for whorehouse, night two, hopefully hanging with the cast and/or anyone who comes to the show, and then 28 miles home. i need caffeine just thinking about it. but first…5.5 hours of sleep, if im lucky.
i would kind of just like to stop feeling like im freaking out. i dont know how to go on in this direction and not be anxious. i know how to detour and be fine, but i dont know how to do this. ergh.
There are better things ahead than any we leave behind. // C.S. Lewis